


Help! My Wife

by CelestialVapidity



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Cold Weather, Dogs, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Humor, Humorous Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Lesbian Character, POV Bisexual Character, POV Lesbian Character, Post-Canon, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Request Meme, Romantic Fluff, Self Prompt, Some Humor, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-10 03:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11683053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelestialVapidity/pseuds/CelestialVapidity
Summary: A series of drabbles/one-shots. Here's where the fun comes in: you send me an F/F OITNB pairing, and a number. Any F/F OITNB pairing your little heart desires, whether it's something I like or not. Want some typical Vauseman? Tell me. Want something a little less common? Maybe you wanna pair Lorna and Poussey, for example. I don't care. Just send in the pairing, and send in a number. The number is what decides the prompt. I'm taking all these prompts from help-mywife on Tumblr (http://help-mywife.tumblr.com/). I won't be looking at the prompts until I get the prompt number. I've numbered the prompts based on when they were uploaded to the blog, so I have no control over which number is which prompt. If you don't like the prompt you got, then sorry. This will be both a chance for less popular pairings to get some spotlight, and for me to hopefully improve my writing. Send me your requests in a private message, comment, or in a review, and I'll have the drabble up as soon as I can. This series probably won't have a set schedule, but I'll do what I can. Have fun! I know I will!





	1. Wicked Little Town

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be an adventure isn't it? First drabble is Nicky/Lorna, with prompt number three 'Help my wife! couldn't fall asleep one night so she asked me to sing to her and now all she does is nap so i can sing her to sleep she is so cute but needs to stay awake during the day!'. This is for my friend, HannahMiley1fan on FF. The song that Nicky sings is Wicked Little Town from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Sorry this took so long lol. I hope y'all enjoy it! WARNING: This chapter contains references to sex, mentions of smoking, references to sex work, and kissing

            It was a hot summer night, when Lorna couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned next to her wife. After probably the 15th time turning over, her lion-maned wife awoke.

            “You ok? Trying to stop-drop-and-roll in bed?” Nicky grumbled.

            “I can’t sleep!” Lorna complained.

            Nicky sighed, sitting up in bed. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, and turned to her wife. “How can I help you sleep? I want to sleep, and I want you to sleep.”

            Lorna hesitated. “Sing to me?”

            Nicky’s eyes snapped open. “ _Sing_ to you? Have you heard my voice? My scratchy, New Yorker, ex-smoker voice?”

            “Your voice is beautiful. And it’s soothing for me. I love listening to you talk. And when I was little, singing to me always helped when I couldn’t sleep. Please? For me?” Lorna pouted, looking up at Nicky with her infamous puppy eyes.

            “Fine.” The blonde cleared her throat, before beginning.

            “ _You know, the sun is in your eyes. And hurricanes and rains, and black and cloudy skies. You're running up and down that hill. You turn it on and off at will. There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down. And if you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice. Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town. Oh Lady, luck has led you here. And they're so twisted up, they'll twist you up, I fear. The pious, hateful and devout. You're turning tricks till you're turned out. The wind so cold it burns, you're burning out and blowing round. And if you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice. Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town. The fates are vicious and they're cruel. You learn too late you've used two wishes like a fool. And then you're someone you are not, and Junction City ain't the spot, remember Mrs. Lot, and when she turned around. And if you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice. Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town. This wicked little town._ ”

            Nicky’s voice was scratchy, and hoarse with sleep. It wasn’t the voice of a pop star. But Lorna smiled sleepily, loving her wife’s singing

            “There’s your lullaby, kid. Ready to sleep now?” Nicky asked, planting a kiss on her wife’s forehead.

            “Yeah. Thanks, hun.”

* * *

 

            It soon became a routine, with Lorna asking for Nicky to sing to her during the day, whenever they weren’t busy. Of course, this would always end with Lorna falling asleep. This wouldn’t have been a problem for Nicky, if it didn’t mean that Lorna was up all hours of the night, trying to engage her.

            “Baby, I’m tired! Go to sleep!”

            “I’m not tired! I took a nap today!”

* * *

 

            Eventually, Nicky, knowing it had to stop, for both their sakes, came up with a plan. That day, when Lorna came to her, the blonde was already prepared. The brunette sat in her wife’s lap, before voicing her request.

            “Sing to me, will you, Nicky, baby?” Lorna murmured.

            “No. You’ve been staying up all night because of my singing. No more naps for you,” Nicky replied firmly.

            Lorna huffed into the blonde’s neck. “But why?”

            “Because I’m tired of you trying to get me to do things with you at three in the morning, all because of your naps! And if it’s my daytime lullabies that are responsible, then I won’t sing to you during the day anymore,” Nicky’s expression softened at her wife’s pout. “Besides…If we’re on the same sleep schedule again, we can cuddle at night. And neither of us will be too tired to do other bedroom activities.”

            Lorna visibly perked up at this. “Will you still sing to me at night?”

            “Maybe. We’ll just have to wait and see,” Nicky replied with a smile.


	2. Star-Gazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red/Gloria #4, requested by Icedragon3643. 
> 
> #4: help!!! the night my girlfriend and i started dating we stayed up all night, laying on her roof watching the stars, holding hands and telling each other all the things we loved about the other. every two minutes she would squeeze my hand and pull me close and tell me how happy she was. it was like a dream and she makes me so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less than 24 hours, and I've had 5 requests. I look forward to getting more. Anyway, this one was requested by my pal Icedragon3643 on FF. I love Red/Gloria tbh. I hope you enjoy this! WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of food.

            Their first date wasn’t a conventional one. When Red had finally decided to ask Gloria out on a date, she had been uncharacteristically nervous. To her pleasant surprise, however, Gloria accepted without hesitation.

            They decided to go out for dinner. Not at the restaurant where they both worked, and met each other, but somewhere they didn’t have to be every day. Dinner had gone well, with some playful flirting, and Gloria had invited the redhead to have tea at her apartment afterwards.

            When they arrived at the younger woman’s apartment, Red got her first real look at the sky that night. It was surprisingly clear, with many more stars than were usually visible in their part of town. Gloria caught her gaze, and smiled.

            “Do you want to have our tea on the roof? It’s only the next floor up, and it’s a beautiful night,” The Latina suggested.

            Red smirked teasingly. “Tea and star-gazing? What a romantic you are. Sure. I’d love that.”

            It didn’t take long for their mugs of tea (cinnamon spice, with offers of milk and sugar from Gloria) to be ready. They brought them up to the roof, upon which there were some lawn chairs, two of which were placed so that they were pressed together. Red glanced at Gloria.

            “Do you bring women up here often?”

            Gloria chuckled. “No. At least, not like this. Sometimes I sit up here with friends. But not lately.”

            Red nodded, not questioning her further. _If she wants to elaborate, she will._ The pair sat in the chairs, holding their mugs in one hand each. The older woman slowly reached to hold her companion’s hand, not looking at her. The brown-skinned woman smiled.

            “I’m glad you asked me out.”

            Red glanced at Gloria. “I am too. You’ve been good to me, and you’re a wonderful woman.”

            “Aw, you’re being such a sweet talker,” Gloria teased.

            “I try,” Red replied.

            “You’re very strong, you know? I’ve always admired you.”

            “Is this the compliment contest?” The redhead said with a smirk.

            “It could be.

            “You’re ridiculous,” She teased.

            “You’re cute,” The other woman replied, without missing a beat.

            Red was suddenly grateful for the darkness, as a blush rose to her face. Gloria grinned, sensing the older woman’s embarrassment. She wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Red sighed and laid her head on the Latina’s shoulder, giving in to the affection.

            “I’m having a good time,” She said quietly.

            “So am I.”


	3. Cold Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex/Piper, requested by Guest. #7 'help my wife keeps me warm but I am in Boston and she is in ny and I am chilly'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok! This one is Alex/Piper, requested by Guest. #7 'help my wife keeps me warm but I am in Boston and she is in ny and I am chilly'. I think this is the first thing I've ever written that doesn't require any warnings. What a trip. I'm always so fucking cold, so this was right up my alley. I use my short-furred dog as a heating pad most of the time, lol. Xolo (short for xoloitzcuintli, AKA Mexican Hairless Dog) is a real dog. They're pretty cool imo. Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this!

            Alex was naturally cold. She always had been. Whether it was just how she was, or if there was a legitimate reason for it, she had no idea. All she knew was that there were times when the only things that could warm her were a hot bath and a warm body.

            Unfortunately, she was currently on a business trip, away from her warm body of choice. Her warm body of choice was, of course, her wife Piper. Due to her job being one that required a lot of travel however, she was currently in a hotel in Boston, instead of their home in New York.

            Alex already missed her wife, and it had been less than a day. Her loneliness was only making the cold feel worse, so she resigned herself to Skype the blonde. Bundled in a robe, and several thick blankets, the brunette set up her laptop and pressed the call button.

            A moment later, her wife appeared on the screen, and promptly giggled at the older woman’s appearance. Alex pouted in reply. “Don’t make fun of me. I’m cold.”

            “Aw. Poor baby,” Piper teased.

            “I miss you! You’re always so warm! You’re like a fucking xolo!” Alex griped.

            “A what?”

            “I was looking at pictures of dogs earlier. It’s this weird hairless dog that was bred to keep people with chronic pain warm. Like a living heating pad.”

            “Maybe we should get you one of those? I’d love having a dog around, and I know the circulation socks are yours, as much as you deny it,” The blonde smiled.

            “Ok, I have those from a flight, and they’re comfortable. And yeah, maybe we can look into it. But for now, I’m fucking cold and I wish you could be here with me.”

            “Hey, Al?” Piper looked suddenly inquisitive.

            “What?” The brunette raised an eyebrow.

            “Doesn’t that room have its own thermostat?”

            Piper couldn’t contain her laughter at the look of mortification on her wife’s face, as she realized that the blonde was right.


	4. Butt Wait, There's More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vauseman fic, requested by user LoSTaNdDeLiRiOuS. Prompt #3: Help; my wife keeps flicking my cheeks and punching my bum so that she can “kiss it better”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back, my pals. I'm so happy to finally be back. So, let me explain. I was w/o access to my laptop for a long while. That's why I haven't published anything lately. But I've got it back, and now I'm gonna try and get back to writing. Although, I did just start school, so keep that in mind too. But I'm so happy to be back! This chapter was requested by LoSTaNdDeLiRiOuS, who wanted a Vauseman fic with Prompt #3: Help; my wife keeps flicking my cheeks and punching my bum so that she can “kiss it better”. Sorry it's a little short. Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy my triumphant return. WARNING: This chapter contains mild sexual content.

            Piper was currently tip-toeing up to her wife. She had a shit-eating grin on her face, and was struggling to keep from giggling. This was her new favorite activity, and she was going to keep at it for as long as she could.

            She was soon less than a yard away from the brunette, who was standing at the counter, typing something on her laptop. The blonde glanced at her wife’s ass, currently clothed in grey yoga pants. When she was within range, she quickly groped her.

            “Jesus Christ!” Alex whirled around in surprise.

            “Hey, sexy,” Piper purred in her ear, pinching her ass.

            “Don’t fucking sneak up on me like that,” The older woman grumbled.

            “Aw, I’m sorry, baby. Did I hurt you?”

            Alex hesitated before answering. She wondered if this was another scheme of her wife’s. Still, the blonde sounded sincere.

            “A little.”

            “Want me to kiss it better?” Piper murmured, pressing kisses to the brunette’s neck.

            Alex couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re insatiable!”

            “And you have a nice ass. I’m just appreciating it,” Piper stepped back, now pouting.

            “More like obsessing over it.”

            The younger woman waved a hand, dismissively. “Same thing.”

            “It is _not_ the same thing.”

            “To me, it is.” Piper winked.

            “I fucking can’t with you.”

            The younger woman grinned at her wife. “Or you could be fucking me?”

            “Babe, I’m busy. After I finish this, ok? Then you can do whatever you want to my ass.”

            Piper squealed with joy, and scurried off to their bedroom to prepare for… _whatever she was planning._

            Alex sighed. “I’m going to regret this.”


End file.
